Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
