who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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