I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
