I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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