Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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