your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
