forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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