Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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