i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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