running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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