dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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