i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
