The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
