So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
