My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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