god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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