I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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