I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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