Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
