I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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