Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
