what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
