Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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