News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
