I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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