There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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