Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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