found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
