I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
even my farts smell like vagina
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
