if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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