I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
