just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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