The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
