just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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