Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
