How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she peed on how many people?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
