i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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