Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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