I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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