I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
