I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
