Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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