Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
