I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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