I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
