At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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