Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
