Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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