I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
