I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
