You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
