I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
