It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
