Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
