Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
