We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
