Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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