I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He has the fingertips of a God
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