We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
