so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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