what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
