we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
