i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
