just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
