Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
